Sunday, 28 July 2013

Mama bear

So I wasn't entirely sure when or if I was going to talk about this, but lately it's been something that hasnt left my brain and I feel like I need to just let it out. One of my biggest fears about recovery isnt how I will look or how long it will take or any of those normal worries. My biggest fear is not having my mom to take care of me. The original plan was for my mom to move in with my boyfriend and I for a month and take care of me during my recovery so that my boyfriend wouldnt have to take time off. Normally the thought of a parent moving in would terrify someone, but my mom is my best friend and I couldnt have been more excited.

When I had my wisdom teeth out, I called my mom at 5am begging her to come take care of me because I felt so sick and awful and sometimes you just need your mom to give you a hug and make you some tea. She drove the three and a half hours to come be with me and slept on a tiny love seat for three days. She gave me all my meds, made me soup and tea and ran to the store whenever I needed anything. She was wonderful and I honestly wouldnt have made it through that week without her. Me + anasteisia = nausea sooo much nausea. The nausea was so bad to the point I layed on the floor in the elevator on the way home haha my boyfriend had to pick me up and carry me.

Since my wisdom teeth came out in October, a lot has changed. I got a call in the middle of the night in January from my aunt telling me that my mom had a brain anyuerism and she was being rushed to the hospital for emergency brain surgery. I woke my boyfriend and we rushed as quickly as we could to the hospital that was three hours away. My mom pulled through the surgery however she wasnt the same after what had happened. She had a stroke that caused her to be completely blind, so when I went to see her, she couldnt see me. She couldnt feed herself so I had to feed her. I didnt mind, she had done this for me many times in my life. She was so confused and had no idea the things she was saying. It hurt a lot to see my mom, my rock, so completely helpless.

I stayed in a hotel that night near the hospital, by the time we got to the hotel the hospital called us back saying that she had taken a turn for the worst. I was shocked, I thought that we had pulled through the worst. They had taken her in for another brain surgery, this time when she came out she wasnt awake. They had her on life support and she couldnt open her eyes or talk to us. I would lay beside her and even though she was asleep I would talk to her and hold her hand. She would rub my hand as if she knew I was there.

The doctors met with my family and I and told us that there was nothing else they could do for her, her body had just given up its fight and the best thing for us to do was let her go. That day we took her off life support and I held her hand as she took her last breaths.

My mom, my best friend was just suddenly gone from my world, and this was something I just could not grasp. Till this day I still cry regularly, I miss her more than I can even explain. I had so many fears about my future without her. She wont be there to see me try on my wedding dress, or walk down the isle, or hold my baby and teach me how to be as good of a mom as she was. I guess I just needed to vent all of this out. What bothers me most is that I never got to say goodbye to her while she was still awake.

I am excited for my surgery, so excited. But also terrified at the same time. I guess I need to learn how to focus on the good things, and understand that no matter what she is still with me, even if it isnt physically.


6 comments:

  1. Cassie I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss! I know what it is like to have your mom be your best friend and I would be completely lost without her. You are such a strong person for having to go through this. Like you said, just remember that your mom is still with you and will definitely be watching over you!

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  2. Cassie, thank you for sharing, it must have been difficult to do that, but perhaps also a little theraputic. I cannot imagine what you have been, and are going through. My thoughts are with you. I do know though, that as a Mother, you move heaven and earth for your kids - and with that belief, I know that your Mum will be there with you through this and every other adventure of your life. She'll be there whether you can see her, hear her or feel her. xx

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  3. Cassie, that is so heartbreaking losing your mom, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with Ellie though-your mom will be with you in all of your adventures in life. She sounds like she was a wonderful mom to you and when you have your own children, that will come through to you too. You have learned from her and will give your kids the same love she gave you. Stay strong. We are here for support.

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  4. Cassie, how heart braking, I am so sorry. Your Mum will certainly be watching over you, and she will be so proud of you getting through everything you need to - You must stay strong for her. I cannot imagine what you are going through, But my thoughts and wishes are with you. Take care xx

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  5. I don't even know where to begin-- I am just so sorry to hear about this, Cassie. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Please accept my sincerest condolences. I send you all my positive thoughts, and all my good energy, and wishing you peace during this difficult time. Much love, Cassie.

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  6. you ladies are all so amazingly wonderful and you definitely know how to make a girl feel better! I appreciate all your comments, you have no idea how much it helps to have support. I know my mom will always be with me, some times I just get caught up in the idea she isnt physically here. You guys are the best and I would honestly be so lost in this process without you all!

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